A Passion for Chocolate

"Once upon a time a prince went to battle, to defend the borders of his father's kingdom against a hostile tribe. His wife, the princess, was left to guard the kingdom's vast treasure.

"The invaders were fierce - they defeated the prince's army and advanced on the capital city. Alarmed, the princess hid the treasure. The barbarians took the city, captured the princess, and ransacked the royal keep, seeking the treasure. Not finding it, they tortured the princess. Despite her prolonged suffering, she did not reveal the treasure's hiding place.

"Enraged, the barbarians killed her. But from her blood sprouted the cacao plant, and ever since that time people have known that there is treasure hidden in it's seeds, as rich and strong as love itself, but as bitter as love torn asunder."

-- Chocolate Passion: Recipes and Inspiration from the Kitchens of Chocolatier Magazine by Tish Boyle and Timothy Moriarty

My epiphany

Epiphany:

I grew up feeling like I have next to nothing, and taught a healthy appreciation that nothing is expendable, hence I hord.

I grew up with bullies and abusers who taught me I was worth next to nothing, and that I am not needed/expendable, hence I have depression, low self esteem, co-dependency, eating disorders, and other issues, etc.

But, Heavenly Father teaches me that I am valuable and that my needs will be met. This is my chance to learn new healthy coping skills.

I am learning new ways to reward myself and my family:

* with things other than food. I was taught to eat/binge as a celebration, consolation, or to fix boredom. 

* by letting go of old things so we can make room for new things. I am going to try to let go of everything that is:
Broken
Doesn't fit
No sentimental value
We have 1+ in better condition
Conflicts with the spirit.

I am coping with my problems by healing myself and my family.

My addictions were about "trying to take control back and have a sense of power over something".

I have been learning about how my past affects my present. I have been honest with my friends and loved ones about my past and problems, work on making peace with it, and learning to heal.

I am choosing to find hope and put my trust in God that as I take these big steps, he will help support me and help me feel safe so I can do it.

I am choosing to let go of my hording and self-absorbed saddness in favor of my home, my health, my family, and my desire to feel the Spirit of God foremost in my home and my heart.

I am making a healthy pre-emptive strike on my "react only poor self-esteem" that makes me want to curl up in a closet and hide because I can't bare anymore pain...

I am taking my home back from the hord and teaching my family the value of clutter-free peace where we can invite the Spirit of God to heal and bless us, and we can feel safe and find peace.

I am taking my body back from my abused past and choosing that I am worth it to be loved, pampered, wear clothes that fit properly and are not tattered and worn. 

I am still young! I can choose to love myself and nurture my talents and interests! I want to take myself out on "dates" and get to know how fun I can be, and bring that new-found self appreciation and self-confidence home with me.

Oh yeah! Before all that saddness, I was funny, spontanious, clever, witty, outgoing, trusting, engaging, spunky, and ready to explore and experience all the good things available to us in this beautiful world! And there is no reason why I can't learn to allow myself to be that way now.

This is not a bad, selfish thing. Well, it's a good self nurture thing. My life has been reactive and negative for years, and that has been negative on my whole life, relationships, and family. I love my family and friends more than myself (way more...). And they are worth it for me to heal, cope healthily, and be the happiest, healthiest, most fun and cheerful me I can be.

And I know I am definantly worth it. 

I have cringed in the depressing shadows for too long. I say to the ghosts of my past and to satan to "Get thee hence!!" I will no longer allow them to torture me. 

It has been a necessary but long process; this healing and therapy thing. Some people may be able to speed through it, and good for them. But I know that I am finally ready to seriously move on, love myself and my family, make my home a healthy/happy/safe retreat, and embrace all of the blessings Heavenly Father has in store for me.

And it starts right now. Because I've waited long enough.

:)

Thank you.

Sent from my Palm Pre

Ode to a Chopstick

Strong and supple tapered wood
Sometimes lacquered decorated
Lithesome tools for handling food
Of your import I could spend a 
Dreamlike evening in haiku
But of your valiant victuals virtue
I'll need a sonnet to honor you
Used for every meal prepared
To stir, to serve, to mix, to puncture
Even tucked inside my knife kit
Toted to culinary school with rapture
I find you, always near my pallet
Ready to serve, as if on cue
It's even better when there are TWO...

What Happens Now

All that's left in my world
Is hanging by a thread.
And all the negative
Thoughts and memories
Stumble around in my head.
But my tourtured emotions
Are finally quieting down.
I feel a strange peace
At the end of my rope,
And I'm bound
To know either way, soon
What the verdict will be.
And then we shall see
And then we shall see
And then we shall see 
Where we go from here
And what happens now.

Defeated

All of the heartaches
Just cannot compare
To the agony felt
When your broken heart tares.

All of the arguments
Fade and subside
When the last shreds of hope
Wither and die.

All of the feelings
And hot tears run cold
When the passions cool off
And stale excuses grow old.

All of the drama
Must not be repeated.
But it will not stop
Until the supply is depleated.

I cannot help or control you.
And I am defeated.