Saturday, February 10, 2001


From a journal entry:

... I don't know why I continue to write you. As if, through words, I could make you feel - see into my heart and pull from it the knowlege I fail to find for myself. Sort through the rising panic to discover something real and not imaginary. Something validated and alive within Me. Something beyond the hungry darkness, which tares at my soul and livelyhood; tirelessly. Something there, glowing in the receses of a heart unused and dusty. Unexercised in exerting its physical power on the one who controls her.

Somewhere in the laberynth of this horrid confusion there could be an answer to that aweful, undefined question, lurking just beneath all valid consciousness! Anywhere! Perhaps if I continue to write long enough, something will clarify. Something. Perhaps...

Perhaps that is the problem. Fear. I am afraid for you. Afraid that the preditory darkness haunts you as well. How are you? I never know. Who are you? You never let me see. Where are you? I shall never discover, for that is a magical far away land with no form or reason in this state of depiction.

I am afraid. Even now that the sun has risen to push the the shadows away. Though they are now even more dangerous as they hide. Even now as the winds of torment have been bridled in, and the rains have ceased, and the torrents of fears, and questions, and doubts have come to an end.

Now I sit in this aweful silence which continues to persue me. Now I continue to wait. And the most aweful part lies in that there are still no answers to discover, after so many questions. Why? ... why? ...

So small and delicate lay those words. Pregnant with a thousand meanings, questions, and accusations. The never ending teeth felt by these malignant words; which aren't statements but questions. A thousand hidden meanings. Where lies the prayer book for this nightmare? Where hides the thoughts to my words? Where lies the meaning in these answers? How does the confusion poison my thoughts and actions? Why does this madness envelope me?

Who will save me? Who loves me? Who is he? When...?