What Happens Now

All that's left in my world
Is hanging by a thread.
And all the negative
Thoughts and memories
Stumble around in my head.
But my tourtured emotions
Are finally quieting down.
I feel a strange peace
At the end of my rope,
And I'm bound
To know either way, soon
What the verdict will be.
And then we shall see
And then we shall see
And then we shall see 
Where we go from here
And what happens now.

Defeated

All of the heartaches
Just cannot compare
To the agony felt
When your broken heart tares.

All of the arguments
Fade and subside
When the last shreds of hope
Wither and die.

All of the feelings
And hot tears run cold
When the passions cool off
And stale excuses grow old.

All of the drama
Must not be repeated.
But it will not stop
Until the supply is depleated.

I cannot help or control you.
And I am defeated.

Things I want to do in my life

Things I want to do in my life
(and I don't have to be dying):

Watch birds hatch
Learn how to play guitar
Finish culinary school
Finish even more schooling
Produce a CD of my music
Give a performance of ""
Take pottery courses
Make more mozaics
Publish a book
Make a portfolio
Make a food blog
Make a sugar sculpture
Make marzipan fruits/veggies
Make petit fours
Make chocolates
And put all four in gift boxes!
"" with cookies!
Wrangle large cats
Swim with dolphins
"" sharks
"" sea turtles
Videography
Photography
Go whale watching
Perform on stage again
Star in a musical
Travel and perform
Meet Mario Batali
Visit the Paris Opera House
Make a chocolate sculpture
Support my daughter in brownies and girl scouts
Support my son in boy scouts
Make simple music videos of all of my songs
Publish a book of poetry
Have my own dream home
"" dream car
Support my children's dreams
Complete a video game
Help make school lunches healthier
Design a clothing line
Be a motivational speaker
"" artist
Take a painting course
Take a computer graphics class
Write more musicals
Advocate against abuse
"" domestic violence
"" food disorders
"" bullying in schools
Be a councelor
Perform "Messiah" again
Perform at Clowes Hall again
Play RPGs again
Save someone's life
Help an animal shelter
Win a food competition
"" flower arrangement ""
Be debt free

Sent from my Palm Pre on the Now Network from Sprint

Down

Is this really what it all
Comes down to?
You and me hurt-in'
When we talk and write too.
You ran away
When I was tryin' to 
Help you.
Then hung up
When I tried to get through to you.

Do you know how that makes me feel?
This just can't be real.
Seri-ous-ly, what's the deal?
I'm having a hearrrrt attack.
Should I want you back?

Things are spinnin' outta control.
I don't even know what
"normal is"
Or how I'd even 
Recognise it.
I don't buy this.
It just don't fit.

I feel like I am drown-in'.
It's all a blurr
And movin' in slow-mo-tion.
I'm second-guessing
The devotion
We'd professed before now.
Is this what makes us throw down?

Is this really what it all
Comes down to??

I'm feeling down.
I want to drown
And let ever-thin'
Just wash over me.
I can't decide
Who to listen to.
I wish it was you.
But I'm afraid of who
You're list'nin' to.

Is this really what it all
Comes down to??
He said, she said
Breaking us in two.
There used to be "us"
Now it seems like
There's just "you".
I'm already gone.
It just all feels wrong.
I'm feeling down.

Is this really what it all
Comes down to??

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Vulnerable

The silence between us is deafening.
It screams at me to redefine
Everything I thought I knew about you.
I don't even recognise you
Anymore.

You were the one that would never hurt me
Who I could count on when the world stood against me.
You were the one I let inside my heart.

I made a home for you in my life
And have tried to make you stay.
But this new you destroys my hope
And makes me ashamed to have loved you
So hopelessly
And completely.

You broke free from me
Shattered my heart as you fled
And I'm too weak to mend
The broken pieces
And too tired to fight again.

The scary thing is
I would still let you back in
To my life
Because it's all that I know.
Because losing your heart
And losing your mind
Makes your raveged body
Vulnerable.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

If we give up now...

If we give up now
What was the point
In fighting all this time
To stay together?
If we give up now
Then forever
Isn't as long
As I'd thought it'd be.

I don't want to give up
I think there is
Too much love
To fight for!
But with all the pain
We cause each other
Why kid ourselves
By wanting more?

I don't know
What to do.
I don't know
What to choose.
I just know
That to loose
All the fun
And the love
Would be
Such a waste.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Co-dependent

You don't wanna talk.
I don't wanna walk
Away. But, Dar-r-ling,
It's time to
Keep it real.

I know now
All our problems
Were out of my hands.
I shouldn't have to
Earn your attention.

All the worthlessnes
I felt
Wasn't founded
On the truth.
They were
Just lies
Told to make me
More (more)
Dependent on you.

Sure (sure)
I brought (brought)
My own baggage
To this relationship.
Sure (sure)
I thought (thought)
You were
The Best thing
in it.

But it's not healthy
To smile or cry
Based on your whim.
So I'm cutting
The strings
To my addict-tion
For you.
And will try
To not be so
Co-dependent.

Da da da da da...

Co-dependent.

This doesn mean
I don't want you around.
I'm trying to see
What solution
Can be found.
The lies and pain
Swimming inside
My head
Have been drowning me
And making me
Breathless
And light headed.

But I've been getting help
Just these few quick
Breaths of air
Are keeping me alive.
I'm getting back
On my feet.
I'm hoping to keep
Treading water
And learn how to
Survive and thrive.

It would be
Unfair
To point fingers
And claim
There's only you
To blame.
But it is
A shame
That I am so
Addicted.

I need your love.
I'm weak without
You near
And I am
Drowning again.
But I should't
Die
Without you
By my side.

Apparently
It's not
Normal to be
So dependent.

I am learning
it's not healthy
To smile or cry
Based on your whim.
So I'm cutting
The strings
To my addict-tion
For you.
And will try
To not be so
Co-dependent.

Da da da da da...

Co-dependent.

Apparently
It's not
Normal to be
So (so)
Dependent.

I know you
Want me to be
Happy and
Healthy.
And truly
Wouldn't it
Be a relief to
See me
Do things
On my own
Without you
Having to
Tell me that I can.

Apparently
It's not
Normal to be
So (so)
Dependent.

it's not healthy
To smile or cry
Based on your whim.
So I'm cutting
The strings
To my addict-tion
For you.
And will try
To not be so (so)
Co-dependent.

Da da da da da...

Co-dependent...

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

My Acetaminophen!

Everything is
crashing all around me.
The only thing
I can count on is my uncertanty.
Even though our whole
Relationship's a lie,
I'm not ready for goodbyyyye.

You (you) keep (keep)
Making me miserable,
Treat (treat) me (me)
Like I cause nothing
But trouble.
Pe- (peeps) ople say
I should kick you
To the curb.
But the thought is just
Absurrrrrrrrd!

I'm ready to fight!
I feel the light
At the end of the tunnel's
Just around the bend.
Please don't give up!
Show me I'm worth it
To stick around and
Make it all better again.
I can't help but cry.
The pain makes me
Wanna die
And ne-ever-r wake up again.
But I need you
To kiss the pain away
Because
you are
My Acetaminophen!

My Acetaminophen!

I'm just waiting
For relief
To kick in

My Acetaminophen!

Don't make me
Say it again.
*sigh*

Everything you claim
Makes me break more.
These grand extremes
You suggest
Cause an uproar.
Why are you about
To walk out the door?
Can't we just
Try to get better?

Leaving me here
While you go
"fix yourself"
May be for the best
But I don't
Believe it yet.
I'm still in shock.
I just can't talk
To you right now!

But I can't bare to be apart...

I'm ready to fight!
I feel the light
At the end of the tunnel's
Just around the bend.
Please don't give up!
Show me I'm worth it
To stick around and
Make it all better again.
I can't help but cry.
The pain makes me
Wanna die
And ne-ever-r wake up again.
But I need you
To kiss the pain away
Because ('cause)
you are (are)
My Acetaminophen!

My Acetaminophen!

I'm just waiting
For relief
To kick in

My Acetaminophen!

Don't make me
Say it again.
*sigh*

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Press Release for Michael's work in Australlia!

This is the link to the Press Release for my husband's most recent Klingon Translation project with Jenolan Caves in NSW Australlia! With pictures!

http://bit.ly/a3GbrI

Michael was contacted by Jenolan Caves to translate the script for their most popular cave tour to be translated into Klingon for their Acoustiguide audio tour. He completed the translation a few months ago, and then they invited him and another linguist out to Australlia for an all expenses paid business trip to tour the caves and record the audio! He just got back on Friday. It was a successful trip, and we are very blessed!

Thank you all for your support!

- Dalyn

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Things not going as well

Things are not going as well as I'd like them to be at this point. As usual, I feel the most mean and miserable when my basic human needs are not met: sleep, eat, breathe, go to the bathroom, live free from assault or injury.... 

. . . I feel wretched when I get so fed up with the constant abuse from my children that I want to run away, and not be a parent anymore. Do all parents feel this way sometimes?

*sigh*

I just need a break from the unrelenting waves of attack. That was why giving birth was so painful: the intense pain I could handle once or twice, but the throws of pain one right after the other without pause or recovery is overwhelming and too much to endure... That is what it's like for me to be home alone with the kids all the time.

Any helpful advice?  :-/

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

"Breathe" Demo - Dalyn K. Roney (audio only)

If that attachment doesn't work, here is my youtube link!

http://youtu.be/MQkbon7erJA

Please listen to my latest song! (audio only) Comments and feedback please!

I often find that I forget to breathe, particularly when I'm emotional. I wrote this song while going through Therapy as an explanation that "I'm in transition in my life, right now is about me not you, and if you want to help you can remind me to just keep breathing."

Go ahead and take a breath. Take a few big deep breaths. Feel better? See! I know, right?

I wrote this last month, but I hadn't posted it because it's so raw and not "perfect". But after deliberation, I decided that it really does capture everything I'm going through (including kids screaming in background) perfectly. Disclaimer noted? Thank you.

Keep breathing.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Baking Science & Theory wk8

Custards

            This was my absolute favorite week to date!  We were able to make “Banana Walnut Bread Pudding with a Butter Rum Sauce”, “Pot De Creme”, “Creme Brulee”, and “Creme Caramel”, also known as Flan.  I had the joyous task of working primarily on the flan.

The Flan base called for the use of a vanilla bean, which was my first time to be privileged to work with that expensive ingredient.  Having been raised on Imitation Vanilla Extract for all of my baking needs, the real thing took my pallet to an entirely new realm completely.  I eagerly look forward to working with this diverse pod again in the future. 

            I was most excited to finally begin working with sugar to make the caramel top for the flan. 

 

 Since the first time I sat down to a show of Food Network Challenge six years ago, it has been my dream to learn how to make sugar sculptures, and work in that limitless, delicate, edible genre of artistic expression! 

 

It was something of a disappointment, therefore, when my first batch of caramel burnt. 

 

The second batch came out perfectly. I kept  wanting to take the sugar mixture off the burner too soon, for fear of burning it again.  But my instructor was so kind as to help me with it tremendously. 

 

I learned that we wanted it to darken a bit further than that of Clover Honey, which I have some familiarity with. 

            Our products were critiqued well, which made me very happy. Our instructor complimented our products as a whole, and said they look nice. 

 

He said nice job on the Flan; it has good flavor and texture. He went on to explain that the main difference between that and the other custards is the caramel. It has a bit of a different texture from the extra protein from the additional egg whites.  Also, this product tends to need care to not get too rubbery.  This dialogue made me concerned that our flan came out poorly. But, when asked to clarify he said our flan was quite good!  I was so pleased, I did a little dance after he left.

           

 

The Crème Brulee was pronounced to look nice, and was really good.  The only thing was that it was served still warm, due to time constraints. 

 

We were advised that it would set up more as it cools, but that you want it to be creamy and to not set up.

 

 Likewise to the flan, the crème brulee should not be rubbery. 

 

We should not concern ourselves too much with that, however, since our final product was graded as having been done perfectly.

 

 

The Banana Bread Pudding was also called good. 

 

However, the banana pieces seemed a little large, and should be mashed more.

 

Also, the nuts should have been chopped a bit more.

 

But, he still said it tastes good, and we did a good job.

            Finally, the Chocolate Pot De Crème tasted good, but was a little runny, and needed to cook longer.

Part of the reason was the cup which was used to bake it in due to the lack of ramekins available in the kitchen. 

In that case, we should have not filled the cup so much, which would allow the product to cook faster and to set up more. 

That is very valuable insight that will continue to be valuable in the future.

            Overall, he said “Good Job, Guys”, and I couldn't agree more. Yay!

Baking Science & Theory wk7

Enriched Yeast Doughs

      This week we had the opportunity to make Jumbo Cinnamon Buns, Pecan Sticky Buns, and Cream Scones.  

 

          I was most excited about making the scones, and they were my favorite product by the end of class. 

 

          Beforehand, the instructor said they should be lightly sweetened, and have an almost biscuit like texture like a quick bread.  We were also advised to use a variety of mix-ins to create different scones, such as fruit, nuts, and chocolate chips. 

 

         Our team chose to add fresh blueberries and dried cranberries to our scones. They were critiqued to be very nicely done; they have a nice texture and flavor without being overly sweet.  They were the clear favorite.

          The cinnamon rolls were quite unlike the cinnamon rolls I have made in the past. This recipe called for double the number of ingredients than I'm used to;

 

with ho hum results. 

 

          True to their name, these rolls were quite large, and seemed to almost grow out of our sheet pan.  This made the product less appealing to me, since it was more difficult to eat. Also, to apply the filling, we were instructed to use melted butter in the filling.  In the future, I will continue to use softened butter, which will give the rest of the filling something to hold on to as the dough is rolled together and cut into sections.

 

          Despite my harsh  review, our finished product was critiqued to smell good, and to have a very good flavor and texture.  Our first batch of dough was a team effort, and was combined in a stand mixer.  It did not come together very well. We set the first batch aside, and helped to complete the dough for the sticky buns. After which, I elected to remake the cinnamon roll dough by hand.

 

          I very carefully combined and sifted all of the wet and dry ingredients together, and kneaded the dough together by hand, taking great care to not over mix it.  I  believe this was the best course of action, and produced superior results.

 Unfortunately, the sticky buns did not turn out as favorably. 

          I did elect to mix the dough by hand for this as well, which gave it the desired texture, but some oversight by some or all of our team did result in the dough being far too salty for consumption. 

         This also led to a problem with the dough's ability to rise properly. 

If that was not bad enough, I broke my nails trying to scrape clean the topping off our sheet pan!

I do not imagine I shall ever desire to give another attempt to this particular recipe...

Baking Science & Theory wk6 Midterms

 Midterms

 

            We have made it to the interim of our class load for this course, and reached Midterms.

 

This was a wonderful opportunity to use the culmination of our skills learned to date.  In addition to the written exam, our team was tasked with a creating four products that would reflect each of the different baking subjects covered to date. 

 

Our menu included: Chocolate Chip and Walnut Cookies, Classic Poppyseed Bread, Yeast Rolls, the Foolproof Pie Dough, and a Pumpkin Pie with Brown Sugar-Walnut Topping filling. 

 

I would really like to commend my team for this week. 

 

With the continued exception of the doneness of our Pumpkin Pie filling, all of our products were executed perfectly, cleanly, and in a swift, efficient manner!  We have learned how to work well together, and how to communicate the various tasks. 

 

Also, each team member stepped in to select tasks which played to our strengths.  We also helped and encouraged each other along the way, as well as helped to keep track of items baking, and reminders of previous critiques to improve our finished products.

The cookies looked nice, with a nice spread to them. They were critiqued to be a little light, and could have browned a bit longer. But, they were proclaimed to taste really good.

 

The Poppyseed Bread was by far my favorite product on this menu.  It was judged to look nice and have a good texture. 

 

I made the pie crust for our pie this week, and was able to get my crust into the pie pan on the first try this time.  I also gave the crust a fairly thin bottom for quick baking, and a strong fluted crust around the edge; which kept its shape and did not break upon slicing! I was also more practiced with this recipe's saturation factor, and was not caught off guard by the extra pliability to the pie dough. 

 

Despite ample bake time, and the employ of a different oven with perhaps a more reliable thermostat, our pie fillings continue to come out underdone.  This problem seems to continue to plague many of our classmates as well. Our pie was, therefore, critiqued to still be a little soft in the middle, and could have baked for a few more minutes.  I do not know how many more minutes it would have taken for that pie to set up correctly.  But its flavor was well balanced, and the crust was golden brown and delicious. 

The pronouncement that the rolls looked nice may have seemed a bit anticlimactic at that point, but at least they were not underdone!

 

ha. 

 

Overall, I think this week was a huge success! 

Baking Science & Theory wk5

Pies

This week we learned how to make a “Foolproof Pie Dough”, “Chocolate Cream Pie”, “Lemon Meringue Pie”, and “Pumpkin Pie with Brown Sugar - Walnut Topping”.

 

 We were advised that the Foolproof Pie Dough would be much wetter than what we are used to because of the Vodka used to make the dough pliable.  That was a gross understatement!  The pie dough was wet, sticky, and a completely new experience for my whole team! But the finished product seemed to get the job done. 

The Chocolate Cream Pie was very rich, and more dense than the kinds I have sampled in the past.  The Pumpkin Pie turned out as expected. But the topping was an unexpected addition, and reminded me of something I would find on a Dutch Apple Pie. 

I focused on the Lemon Meringue Pie.  I have made several of these in the past, but from a store mix. This was a wonderful experience for me.  The flavors were aromatic and robust, and the finished product was delectable.  The filling thickened well on the stove, but seemed to thin as it came to rest while waiting for the pie shells to bake. Our instructor indicated we needed the mixture to come to a boil on the stove, to allow the starches to release to their full potential. This greatly affected our finished product. 

Our Meringue was mixed by hand by our team.  This was a very significant experience! I have always used an electric hand mixer for this in the past.  Our first meringue was beaten until smooth and glossy, but it did not peak. This happened because the sugar was incorporated before the egg whites had been beaten to a full soft peak stage. We made a second meringue, which reached a stiff peak and was smooth and glossy. We garnished our pie with some well placed Lemon Zest Curls.

           

Our team was critiqued to have done a nice job on the meringue.  The chocolate pie's crust could have rolled a bit thicker and browned a touch more, but it tasted good. Also, our pumpkin pie was pronounced to be fine.

 

Overall, I enjoyed the pie making. However, I expect to continue to use my butter and lard pie crusts as opposed to this Vodka version.  Not only would I prefer it because I am opposed to alcohol in general, but I am more familiar with its quirks and know what to expect. Still, I appreciate the opportunity to be exposed to different recipes and techniques, and know they all have their place in the pantheon of the Pastry Chef's Pantry!

 

Baking Science & Theory wk3

Cookies and Brownies

 

 

The menu items for week 3 were comprised of: Ginger Almond Snaps, Brownies, Blondies, and Oatmeal Cookies with White Chocolate Chips and Dried Cranberries!  The lack of chocolate chips available for baking from our pantry afforded the students the opportunity to cut up and weigh out chocolate from the large blocks of baking chocolate which were substituted for the absent chocolate chips.  This was a wonderful opportunity for me to work with the digital scales to carefully weigh out the product required for our Brownies and Blondies.  There was also a great deal of discussion on the topic of altering a recipe to suit personal taste; for example, the exclusion of walnuts. This prompted a very correct lesson from the instructor to point out that, as workers in the food service industry, it will be our duty to prepare food based on the desires of our patrons, and the structure of our menu, not on our own taste preferences.  I think this is valuable insight that is appropriate to adjust to early on in my culinary career.

            The menu choices for this week were an education for me, as I was not only unfamiliar with the recipes, but the desired outcome for the different products was a mystery to me.  I learned that Brownies should be more fudge like than cake like; that Blondies should look like a dense Brownie; that Ginger Snaps should be crisp, require pressure to break, and have a satisfying pop as they are snapped, and that Oatmeal cookies should not spread too much, and not brown for long.  

            The critique given for our products included that they were a bit under done.  The Ginger Snaps were not brittle and the Blondie tasted like cookie dough.  We were praised on the outcome of the Oatmeal cookie, but it was a bit too brown around the edges. The Brownie tasted good, but may also have been slightly underdone.  This may have been attributed to the optional chocolate chunks which were added late in the baking process, and therefore, adding that melting sheen to the top of our Brownies. 

            I agree with the rawness of some of our products from this lesson.  But I found that I personally prefer the Ginger Snaps to be more of a chewy cookie than a brittle cracker.  That may be something to consider when preparing my own menu items. But I will strive to get the proper snap from these Ginger treats next time.  I will also work more diligently with my team mates to help regulate the cooking time for our products, and not allow myself to be continually relegated to the clean-up crew. 

            It is quite frustrating to not have run of the kitchen or control of these baked goods from start to finish. But, the ability to work with other chefs on the same menu is an absolute must in the culinary world. The confidence I must find to intervene for the betterment of the outcome of our products will be a life skill that would be of great benefit to my culinary future. And, the ability to also help my fellow workers to hone their own skills along the way, will be a good tradition to help me lead my own team of bakers one day!

 

Baking Science & Theory wk1

The Best Banana Bread
From: Cook's Illustrated

When asked to prepare “The Best Banana Bread” from Cook's Illustrated, our teams worked together to measure and assemble the ingredients before they were poured into the pan and baked. We were also instructed to go ahead and grease the sides of the pan as well as the bottom, to insure the finished loaf would pull free of the pan without breaking. The final product was critiqued to have great flavor and texture overall, but was still underdone in the center of the loaf. It was suggested that the bread could have been baked longer. The loaf had been pulled prematurely from the oven due to a fear that it would burn on top. To remedy this in the future, our team was advised to cover the top of the loaf loosely with aluminum foil. This added step would protect the loaf from over browning, while still allowing the bread to bake until it was cooked through. I believe that is an excellent solution, which will provide more favorable results in the near future! I would also greatly benefit from further instruction of how to properly work the mixers, scales, and ovens. Also, this banana bread recipe differed from the one I usually employ when baking banana bread, most notably in that it lacked the addition of Crème of Tartar, and was improved upon through the addition of a cup of plain yogurt. I look forward to preparing and sampling both recipes side by side one day.

Cheddar Bay Biscuits

 

            The “Cheddar Bay Biscuits” are my new favorite bread product to prepare for just about any savory meal!  I was particularly thrilled to receive the recipe for a typical “Biscuit Mix”, since my family has always purchased such a product in the past.  The ingredients for this menu item came together easily and almost effortlessly, and resulted in a very tender, flaky, chewy, crumby, savory delight to eat!  The real cheddar used in the dough made the biscuits delectable and irresistible.  The glistening melted butter and fresh parsley sprinkled on top was the perfect finishing touch.  The final product was visually appealing, and textually addictive, with a full bodied flavor throughout.  The product was critiqued to have great flavor and texture overall, and was completely eaten.  The only thing I would do differently with this recipe in the future will be to double it since there were certainly not enough to feed the incredible appetite for these cheesy delights!


 

Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins

The recipe for the “Jordan Marsh Blueberry Muffins” is my new favorite muffin!  The final product was moist, tender, and had a nice crumb and mouth feel.  The additional instructions to lightly flour the blueberries after they were rinsed, made all the difference!  This extra step gave the blueberries a bit of texture, and allowed them to be fully integrated into the batter, and prevented the tendency for the heavy berries to sink to the bottom of each muffin.  We were also advised to use a larger grain sugar crystal for sprinkling on the top of each muffin, which added a notable sparkle and a bit of crunch to the texture, as well as pleasing the visual pallet before consumption.  The finished product was critiqued to have great flavor and texture over all, and that the product was not over mixed. We were also praised for following instructions with the blueberries, so that they were evenly distributed throughout the finished product.  If there were anything we could do to improve upon this in the future, it would be to bring the butter to room temperature before beginning production.  Since we lacked the time for that luxury, I cut the butter into small chunks, and worked them through with the mixer, until they were the proper consistency to cream with the sugar.  This was properly executed, and provided a nice texture to the finished product!